Joe Millionaire, Episode 8 (Finale): Blonds Do Not Have More Fun

Posted on February 18, 2003

After last week's episode, which mightily annoyed fans with its lack of content, Fox finally, finally tells us who Evan chose. The first hour of the series was another mammoth time waster, with lots of flashbacks and mini-profiles of the girls who didn't make the cut. The girls each speculated as to why she wasn't chosen: Dana: "He was intimidated by my beauty." Amanda: "He likes big breasts -- the final five were all big boobie girls." Dayanna: "All of the dresses for the ball were ugly and I did not know how to choose between an ugly and an uglier dress." Mojo: "If he had really wanted a soul mate, he wouldn't have been scared away by my poem." And, of course, Alison: "I begged to be booted because no amount of money in the world would make me want to date Evan."

Finally, the show gave viewers what they really wanted: the choice. First, Zora is summoned to the salon by Paul. Then Evan appears and launches into the oddest speech ever. With a smile resolutely fixed on her face, Zora listens to Evan tell her how their relationship "has been a roller coaster ride" and how he wasn't sure how he felt about her. Hmm... this sounds like a classic lead in to a breakup. Zora clearly thought so too and began to tear up, just slightly. But after a few minutes of telling her how rocky things have been between them he finally blurts out, "I have chosen you!" "Really? That's so cool!" says Zora, her face lighting up like a three year-old at Christmas. "But there's something else I have to tell you, he says. And don't tell me your answer now, but come to the ballroom tonight and tell me." (What was the question, inquiring viewers want to know?) Then comes the bombshell: "I've been lying. I don't have 50 million dollars or even $50,000. I just did it to find someone who would love me for me." Saint Zora closes her eyes in shock, and looks downward and away from him. She really looks hurt. And Evan slinks from the room to await her response.

Then comes Sarah's turn. Her hair in a prim bun, wearing a sedate black outfit, she listens to his lead-in, during which he tells her what a great time he's had with her. She thinks she's won, clearly. But then he drops the grenade -- that he's a heavy equipment machinery operator making $19,000. She is really in shock over that one. But quickly retorts, "Did you feel that was something I was concerned with?" Clearly, she's going to accept, no matter what bizarre revelations he lets out, but before she can declare that she doesn't care how much money he has (remember, Sarah, unlike the dimwitted Melissa, is fairly quick-witted and knows the cameras are rolling) Evan moves in for the kill, saying "I didn't chose you." Ouch. She bravely hugs him goodbye and says "it was fun, an adventure." Evan fairly sprinted out of the room at that point.

Now, here's where Fox really crossed any lines of good taste that weren't irrevocably erased after Temptation Island. The producers brought back Melissa so that Sarah could have a girlfriend to confide in. The girls knew they were being recorded with audio equipment, but what they didn't know was that there was a camera hidden in the ceiling over her bed. (Question: was that disclosed in the contracts??) So when Sarah described her and Evan's activities in the woods on a prior date, she would whisper or make hand motions to illustrate her real meaning, so that the audio would miss it. Unfortunately for her, the camera picked it all up and the editors supplied closed captioning for the whispered parts. The naughty info? Sarah wanted to know why Evan dumped her, and speculated: Could it have been because she "kissed him" in the woods? When she said "kissed him", she used a big, long sock to indicate exactly where and how she kissed him, prompting Melissa to nearly fall off the other bed in shock. Oh, that naughty Sarah! Back to fetish films for you, dear!

Back in the ballroom, Evan looks nervous and bored. But Zora finally makes her entrance in a sapphire charmeuse gown, looking lovely. Tit for tat, she embarks on a long monologue about how betrayed she felt and how she has regrets. Then she reveals that she never liked the fact that he had inherited money (oh, please!) and that she would like to continue the journey, if it was still being offered. Joy! Happiness! Tears! Break out some of the endless supply of French champagne and it's time for a toast and a diamond ring for her right -- not left -- hand. Then Paul Hogan supplies the twist: a check for a million dollars made out to them both. They dance. They kiss. The music swells. The good girl won! It is a fairytale.....

Or is it? Internet rumors have already started, that the whole thing was rigged, just like the first Survivor, only this time the "good girl" beat out the "naughty girl." It's true that, at times, it seemed like Zora and Evan were just bad actors saying their lines than real people giving honest responses. But I think what's more likely is that once Fox knew who would win, they went back and re-edited the bios, montages etc. for a more dramatic conclusion. That's just good theater. So we saw Zora's tiny little apartment with no heat, her work with the elderly and her pondering selling a necklace to help pay for her aunt's cancer treatment. In contrast, we saw simulated images of Sarah's bondage films (clearly rights to the real photos were too expensive to obtain), and heard descriptions of how Sarah skipped school and never followed the rules. (Bad Sarah! Naughty Sarah! Just for that, your toes are going to be tied together!)

The worst part? It's still not over. Next week is entitled "The Aftermath," and we get to see Evan and Zora together, six months later. Will they still be in love? Have they run through the million (pre-tax) dollars yet? Has Zora seen Sarah's sock-kissing scene? Tune in next week to find out.